Divided and Huggable

Sex Goddess
August 18, 2006

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to … do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.


1. I hate rules!
2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.
3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!
4. Love yourself first.


Dear SG,

I'm a gay man who has always worked for progressive organizations, but more on the policy, research, relatively well-paid end of the spectrum. When I started my career in D.C., I promptly cut my hair and removed my piercings to look the part. But now, I've met this amazing, radical, punk, pierced/tattooed activist and though it's obvious that we're attracted to each other (flirting, phone calls, etc.), I feel somehow inadequate. We're cool in neutral settings like coffee shops, but when we've talked at the queer punk hang outs, I feel out of place and ignored. Some of his friends have definitely given me the cold shoulder, and some of my friends don't quite understand why I'm dragging them away from the gay lounges where they can network with other HRC-types. It's all too awkward and I've been pursuing him for a month with nothing to show for it, not a real date or even a good night kiss. I never have to work this hard. Are these two worlds too far removed from each other? Is there any hope for a buttoned-down lobbyist to hook up with a punk-rock activist? -- Divided in D.C.

Dear Divided,

Oh, I certainly hope so. Right now you are asking me, 'Can opposites attract?' And conventional wisdom is that of course they can and often do. But reading between your lines, I think this is more a symbol of the Real You wanting to break back out to the surface. You can look back and remember cutting your hair and removing your piercings to 'look a part.' Now your challenge is -- how do you shake off looking the part when you want to BE a part of this amazing punk-rock activist's life? I don't mean going on a piercing frenzy, but ask him to coffee, and before that coffee, meditate on how you can present that aspect of yourself in a way that respects who you are now and what you care about. When you get deep comfort with who you are, you can go into any space without shame or feelings of inadequacy. The first word you used about your dream boy is amazing, not tattooed or punk-rock. Show him that you're amazing, too, no matter how you look. -- SG


Dear SG,

I think that often sensuality and sexuality are confused. This can be both good or bad. Sometimes I want a hug, a real, sensual hug from someone. That's it. A sensual hug, where you really hold me, and I hold you, and it is both physically and emotionally so, so good. So, what's the big deal, right? Well, it is a big deal. Maybe I want to hug my teacher, a friend, or whomever -- basically someone I love and care for but wouldn't have bump-n-grind sex with. I feel I only get/give good hugs from people who are trying to hook up with me. How can I show my affection on that fine line of sensuality without making people feel uncomfortable or like I'm throwing myself at them? -- HUG ME

Dear Huggable,

I am so hugging you right this second! You are on the right track already, because you've really thought about your physical needs and specified a distinct area that is lacking. You also have a clear boundary in your mind -- where hugging ends and bump-n-grind sex begins. Physical contact is so deeply personal and tied to all sorts of feelings of insecurity, need, how you were raised, your openness to the energy of others. It's also one of those areas where it really helps to know what you want, going into it. This tip is going to sound silly, but bear with me. I have found that, as with other things, to be a good hugger is to be a good listener. Follow the lead of your … hugging partner. Do they like the bump-n-pat? Then you bump-n-pat. It's like listening with your body, become more aware of where there is a natural tendency for the long deep expressive hug. If you hone your hugging ear, I think you will soon find yourself happily held in all sorts of ways. -- SG

Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org. Click here to access all of SG's sex and relationships wisdom.