Might As Well Be Twiddling My Thumbs

Sex Goddess
September 22, 2006

Dear SG,

I am a straight man. For some reason, no one seems to believe this. I'm thoughtful, I'm stylish, I'm respectful. True, I don't date a lot. I'm picky. I'm busy. I have crushes on women though. I fantasize about women. When I get to spend time with a woman, I am not rushing to have sex right away -- I wasn't raised that way. While I have had a few long-term relationships with women, I've never had any interactions with men, nothing at all. The thought, frankly, repulses me. Not that I mind that there are gay men out there -- I think it is a genetic thing, which my genes do not contain. Without adopting a bunch of patriarchal stereotypes, how can I stop the endless questions about my sexuality? It's making it hard for me to meet people.

Normal Guy

Dear Normal Guy,

I would be remiss to let your implication that heterosexual is normal slide -- being gay wouldn't make you abnormal. Not that you're gay. A long time ago, when the Sex Goddess was of the school uniform age, she heard some emotionally malnourished boys using the term 'gay' to mean something was weak, lame, less than fabulous. The beautiful thing about your email is that it exposes a cultural re-imagining of what gay means. People think you are gay because you are thoughtful, stylish, respectful, picky, busy, raised to respect potential partners for more than their bedside manners, and averse to patriarchal stereotypes? What a compliment. While I'm tempted to expound on the appeal of confidence, the important thing to note is that the only way you could revert this progress of all things gay and you, is if you cared less about what others thought of you. That would be fabulous.



Dear Sex Goddess,

I am writing this to you cause my beloved boyfriend reads your column and thinks you might be able to help us. We have sex all the time and I am bored out of my gourd. Orgasms happen, but even those are rote, which he doesn't seem to mind. We are "progressive," we "communicate" about everything. But the sex doesn't change, nothing about doin' it is wild. Is there anything I can do to banish this busting boredom? Help.

Might As Well Be Twiddling My Thumbs

Dear Twiddler,

Oh dear. Orgasms aren't supposed to be like scratching an itch. A few possibilities for why you are having this problem: first, when you know you can get it when you want it, sometimes you forget to be specific about what you want. Second, you might not be spending enough time on your own, exploring different options. A certain someone helps those who help themselves, remember. Third, this sometimes happens if the boyfriend should have been left in the friend box. Whatever the case, the capacity of the body to feel pleasure is one of the last uncharted territories. Each body is a pleasure map, and I suspect you and your poor satisfied boy may have been spending all your time in the most common tourist locales. X, in this case, rarely marks the only spot. And another thing… shut up. I am a fan of communicating when necessary, but some of the best sex comes with elements of surprise, mystery, the forbidden. Which is impossible if you are providing a running commentary. If you can't say it with a moan, then it probably needn't be said at all.



Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.


1. I hate rules!
2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.
3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!
4. Love yourself first.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to … do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.

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